Five crimes against children that I was never going to commit

Ah, principles. It's so easy to have them. And even easier to ditch them once children come along. Here are the top five things I was never, ever going to do when my children were born.

1. Use environment-busting disposable nappies. I have the bill for the reusuable ones to prove it. What nobody told me was that they make your baby look like a pear, and that he will be the only newborn needing clothes for age 3-4 to accommodate the nappy bulk. They do make very good - if somewhat pricey - dusters, though.

2. Go to Macdonalds. We all know that the route to hell is paved with chicken nuggets and thick shakes. Hence my dear little organically-grown infants were never going to darken its doors. Until, stuck on a long motorway journey with two tired and hungry children, it suddenly seemed like the best invention since the epidural. It still does, at times.

3. Use a dummy. They stop your child from learning to talk (and, like all middle class parents, I was keen for mine to be talking in full sentences at six weeks. Until, that is, they learnt to talk and never stopped again). They also give them sticky-outy teeth and are generally used only by people who put Coke in baby bottles. But, confronted by a newborn who was determined to suck fruitlessly at me for at least 25 hours a day, I found salvation in a multi-pack.

4. Use reins. Having a toddler on reins is like having a dog on a lead, said Mrs Smugaroo (i.e. me). What about his independence and freedom?

Then I found myself living on a main road with a bolter. I was such a keen user of reins that I did at one point wonder whether my son would be going off to university wearing them. Yet another principle down the pan.

5. Use the TV as a babysitter. Actually, I did quite well with this one until I was defeated by Peppa Pig. One watch and I was hooked. Which meant that I had to let the children watch too. And then it's just a short leap from Milkshake to Brainiac. Sob.

Ever the optimist, though, there are still many things that I am definitely, absolutely, decidedly never going to let my children do. Under any circumstances. Ever.

1. Open a Facebook account.

2. Have any kind of screen in their bedrooms.

3. Shop at Jack Wills (because they might emerge anorexic and with flicky hair extensions).

4. Get in a car with anyone who hasn't been driving for over, ooh, 40 years.

5. Wear crop tops. Boys included.

I am already polishing my maternal halo in anticipation ...